Bad Cell Service? Call Julie

I’ve had pretty bad cell phone service at my home for the past year or so and, because we have no cable or internet hookup either, it impairs our ability to get online as well.

That’s one of the reasons why I’ve not written many blogs for a while. It’s frustrating trying to acquire a “hotspot” on my phone for internet service only to discover it’s only a “tepidspot” or “lukewarmspot.” So, instead, when I’m rambunctious, I load up the laptop and head to a nearby hotel, park in the lot and try to pirate their free wi-fi.

I’ve also gone to a hospital across the highway from the hotel, the downtown library and at the county courthouse where I work to get online at times. But in the summer, it’s pretty hot to sit in a car while filing the blogs and in the winter, it’s chilly. There’s also that lurker image of a guy sitting in a parking lot. The laptop is in my lap at those times, hence the name “laptop” and it’s below the window line. People who pass by only see me fiddling with something in my lap. I won’t go further with that picture.

We used to have decent wi-fi with our phones. Not to name companies, but we changed services to something akin to “Bust Mobile.” It used to be Virgin Mobile, but I guess that company felt they screwed so many over with the billings, they no longer qualified for that name and merged with the other company.

We live near an airport and my stepson, who is far smarter than I, thinks that maybe the airport blocks the phones' 5G signal so it won’t interfere with airplane operations. I’m not sure. All I know is that when a plane flies overhead, the television signal washes out and we miss the final question on “Jeopardy!”

In addition to not being able to file things online, not having phone service is creating a large problem with tracking the arrival times of the Amtrak train my wife takes to visit her aunt. There is an automated service you can call and “Julie,” a recorded voice that supposedly can understand words, tells me when trains will arrive at the station where I pick Holly up. It’s important to know those times.

Amtrak is generally late and it earns my title of “Damntrak” because of that habit. I tend to get to the station at least 45 minutes early just in case of any issues that could delay me such as wrecks, a flat tire, trains blocking crossings and other mayhem.

The train shows up around 12:30 a.m. to 1 a.m. at the Walnut Ridge, Ark., station. Based on the denizens I’ve met there while waiting for the train to arrive in the past, I sure don’t want Holly to have to wait for me to get there.

Once, I was waiting in the depot reading a book about the 1972-74 Oakland As. A guy came in and asked me what I was reading. I told him and he said I was too young to remember that. Despite me saying I was old enough to recall the team, he stared blankly ahead and said God just told him I had many years left and I wasn’t as old as I thought.

There’s always someone there with a financial crisis in need of money or cigarettes. Since I have neither, lately I just sit in the car and wait for the train.

And this is where Julie is so important.

This is a recent conversation I had with the poor phone connection:

JULIE: … if you want to know a train status, say “Train Status.”

ME: Train Status.

JULIE: I think you said “you want to buy a ticket.”

ME: (Louder) Train Status!

JULIE: Okay. Do you know the number of your train?

ME: Twenty-two.

JULIE: I think you said “forty-four.”

ME: How did you get a “four” sound from “two?”

JULIE: I’m sorry, I don’t understand. I’ll transfer you to a representative.”

And then there’s the usual, “We are experiencing high call volume at this time, please hold for the next representative.”

Meanwhile, the train continues lumbering down the track toward its destination.

There are times when it gets personal.

JULIE: What station is the train arriving?

ME: Walnut Ridge, Arkansas. (By now yelling and over-pronouncing each word.)

JULIE: I think you said “Modesto, California.”

ME: Your mother thinks you’re ugly and your pets don’t like you.

JULIE: You’re fat and you don’t have any money.

I’ve not been late yet to pick up my wife. Once, on a night when Daylight Savings occurred, Amtrak failed to adjust for the time and kept saying the train would arrive at 1:33 a.m. Then, at about midnight, Julie made the time change and said the train would roll into Walnut Ridge at 12:30 a.m. I made it there with about 5 minutes to spare that time.

So, we continue struggling with the phone service. I don’t write as many blogs as I had and I worry about being late at the station. Holly is making another trip to see her aunt soon and I’ll be yelling at Julie again.

I guess I could go to the hotel on the night of my wife's return, sit in the parking lot for a while and file blogs and call Julie.